Shame is the belief that one is somehow unacceptable or bad. A person might feel they are defective in many ways. People who feel shame want to keep these things hidden from others. This can create anxiety or fear of being exposed and lead them to withdraw from others, as well as other destructive behaviors.
Shame may stem from sources such as critical parents, negative peer interactions, cultural or religious pressures, or a relationship with a physically or emotionally abusive partner, or from a personal tendency towards perfectionism. Shame may also be the result of sexual trauma or another traumatic experience.
What is the difference between shame and guilt?
Guilt is the sense that you have done something wrong. Guilt serves a significant moral and social purpose. It can move people to feel sorry and seek restitution for wrongs and prevent them from doing wrong in the first place. Shame is the feeling that who you are is somehow wrong. This is not productive and can lead to further suffering.
Shame can cause numerous relationship issues, such as:
- Trouble forming or sustaining healthy friendships or romantic relationships
- Difficulty being honest in relationships
- Feelings of isolation and loneliness
- Getting into abusive relationships
- Self-harming behavior – cutting, eating disorders, addiction, withdrawal from school/work, perfectionism, workaholism, suicidal thoughts
Moving past shame begins when you start to recognize it. Sometimes others are shaming you, but it’s important to notice when you are shaming yourself. Shame often causes you to retreat into feelings of unworthiness, so you must find the courage to be vulnerable and speak out about these feelings. This will help you move to accepting yourself and your limitations without being critical, and start to accept that you are a person of value.
Seek a Trusted Professional
Therapy can help you understand why you feel shame and work to break free from it. A therapist will help you uncover the origins of your shame and the triggers that cause you to feel ashamed. You will have a safe place to talk about your feelings and build a trusted relationship to break the power of shame and your desire to hide or withdraw in order to protect your secret. Once you are able to openly reveal your shame, you can begin genuine healing.